Judge the Book by Its Cover #3

I feel like there's not a ton to judge from this photo. Trifon Ivanov will mess your shit up. He'll use his teeth and forehead and toes, and there'll be some of his toenails that are claws.

He's clearly a tough custo, but it's not just the hair. Ivanov's face just looks like it was disassembled at some point and put back together in the dark by someone missing a few fingers. His eyes are dead like when Quint talks about a shark's eyes in Jaws. Ivanov's been through it. He's come back in times past and he'll come back again, possibly/DEFINITELY with one of those curved knife deals. His mob connections are shadowy and terrifying in that "linked to organ trafficking" way that makes it clear that they're real and don't care about divorcing you from your esophagus. Stoichkov certainly looks hard but never as feral and pre-moral as Ivanov. Like another hirsute, bulky center-back Ivanov seems at home choking a bear. Yet unlike Servet the dynamic is that of a primeval struggle. Beast versus beast. I also lovvvvve that the strip is buttoned to the top, the 'beater beneath totally visible.

Judge the Book by Its Cover #2

Case #2

This man looks like a cigarette. Magico Gonzalez, mythical Salvadoran star for Cadiz in the 80s, has such an awesome weathered look, especially for an athlete. It's always great to see a sportsperson who clearly doesn't take care of themselves. You know that Magico is sipping Old Crow in some fake wood-paneled dive on the archipelago, face inches away from the bar in a lean while his teammates doze at home. He's got dirt and flecks of paint in his hair and beneath his fingernails. I'd imagine he'd like to put "When I Paint My Masterpiece" by the Band on the jukebox and become wistful at the string and saw of Arcadia. He'll shuffle out after being told by the barman that he may not fall asleep in his stool and when he wakes up on the couch, joints stiff and befuddled, his mouth will taste of vomit. In the previous century this picture would appear on Wanted posters, not bedroom walls. Seeing this faded outlaw makes me want to support Cadiz CF, now in Spain's third tier, and also hang with extremely weathered cult heroes from the 1980s who weren't in hair bands. I definitely want to buy the shirt.

Judge the Book by Its Cover #1

I think that covers are important. A cool cover leads a prospective reader to assume that the product is cool as well. I probably never would have started listening to the great Finnish band Circle were it not for the sweet art on Katapult and Sunrise. These covers are shiny and colorful and immediately attract the eye. They argue in This Is Spinal Tap that album art is meaningless, that the Beatles' White Album is great and sold an assload despite the negligible design presence. Yeah, but the Beatles are effin' lame! And Tap rules! The cover for Smell the Glove is a googleplex times better than that of any Beatles record. Whatever! Of course, Tap then go on to release an all-black record sleeve, which is also super-sweet and better than all sorts of other things. Judging the proverbial book by its cover is a worthy undertaking, and one that is shat upon far too frequently. Want to disregard the cover? Have fun sleeping with ugly people forever OUCHkindamean.

Case #1:

Would you listen to this band based on this picture? I'd say OF COURSE NOT. This image is horrible! Who wants this? Is this band called Central Casting for a Christian High School Dramedy? Now touring with The Background Artists! God, that sky blue V-neck absolutely kills me. This whole affair has that weird smarmy quality that's so prevalent in emo bands. Double ESPECIALLY the two fellows at the back. What's that, Tattooed Bangs Guy, you have a plethora of nicknames for your genitalia? Charmazing! Do String Necklace Guy and Blond Shell Necklace Guy ever eye-brawl over who is less threatening? The lady seems cool, though. I feel bad that she has to put up with the constant playing of "old-school Saves" and """""ironic"""" Southern crunk on their bus or plane. Wait, it's bus, though I bet it will be plane soon. Yet I am thankful for this picture. It lets me know that I never need to listen to this band. Consider this book judged!