Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The Jams

These three:

"Vitamin C" by Can
"Rothaus" by Lindstrom & Prins Thomas

To these three:

"Goddamn Lonely Love" by The Drive-By Truckers
"Dress Rehearsal Rag" by Leonard Cohen
"I See a Darkness" by Bonnie "Prince" Billy

Over the course of four days. The proverbial rough and the smooth.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Judge the Book by Its Cover #3

I feel like there's not a ton to judge from this photo. Trifon Ivanov will mess your shit up. He'll use his teeth and forehead and toes, and there'll be some of his toenails that are claws.

He's clearly a tough custo, but it's not just the hair. Ivanov's face just looks like it was disassembled at some point and put back together in the dark by someone missing a few fingers. His eyes are dead like when Quint talks about a shark's eyes in Jaws. Ivanov's been through it. He's come back in times past and he'll come back again, possibly/DEFINITELY with one of those curved knife deals. His mob connections are shadowy and terrifying in that "linked to organ trafficking" way that makes it clear that they're real and don't care about divorcing you from your esophagus. Stoichkov certainly looks hard but never as feral and pre-moral as Ivanov. Like another hirsute, bulky center-back Ivanov seems at home choking a bear. Yet unlike Servet the dynamic is that of a primeval struggle. Beast versus beast. I also lovvvvve that the strip is buttoned to the top, the 'beater beneath totally visible.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

UHM Presents a Rock N Roll Groupie's Inside Scoop

Legendary groupie Debbie Totonero, our pansexual woman in the streets and between the sheets, gives us a rare look at the sexual proclivities of a plethora of pop stars from the last 50 years. Here are some "revealing" excerpts from her meticulously-maintained "entry log".

-Pat Boone: Did some things with a Bible that I didn't think were possible. Gave the term "red letter" a whole new meaning.
-Johnny Cash: A perfect gentleman. No sermonizing or anything. His sperm was jet black, though.
-Loggins & Messina: I don't they ever actually touched me. Just spent the whole time staring into each other's eyes. Perked up when I mentioned piggy-back rides.
-Simon & Garfunkel: They were really into punching each other. There was a lot of blood. The tall one had a great ass, though.
-Michael McDonald: Wouldn't take off his turtleneck.
-Jack Johnson: I fell asleep at some point and woke up with sand inside me.
-Ice Cube: Really wanted to do it in front of a bunch of kids but sometimes you have to draw a line.
-Ice T: His skin felt like Braille. Did bring back some fond memories with the old folded hanger "pimp stick".
-Katy Perry: Took a lot of work. She didn't understand what pants were and spent most of the time talking to a shoe.

-Peter Gabriel: Referred to his penis as "The Sledgehammer" about two dozen times. More than just "the light, the heat" ended up in my eyes that night. Pretty sure he called me Phil.
-Janis Joplin: Thought I was Leonard Cohen. She was looking for #2 and was totally loaded so it took a minute to explain that I was in 2A. An honest mistake.
-Vince Neil: The last time I'll ever give road head.
-Hanoi Rocks: See above.
-Steely Dan: Weirdly aloof. Insisted that we do dozens of "takes" to get it perfect. Got really mad when I called one by the other's name.
-Tyler, the Creator: Really into ass-play. I'm surprised that guy could walk the next morning.
-Neil Diamond: Saggy man-boobs. Used a condom that was somehow brocaded.
-Zooey Deschanel: Short-circuited halfway through. Gibbard assured me it happens all the time. Somehow performed at the Grammys in the process.

Thanks, Debbie! We hope to hear more tales of backstage tete-a-tetes soon.