Wednesday, June 8, 2011

UHM Presents a Rock N Roll Groupie's Inside Scoop

Legendary groupie Debbie Totonero, our pansexual woman in the streets and between the sheets, gives us a rare look at the sexual proclivities of a plethora of pop stars from the last 50 years. Here are some "revealing" excerpts from her meticulously-maintained "entry log".

-Pat Boone: Did some things with a Bible that I didn't think were possible. Gave the term "red letter" a whole new meaning.
-Johnny Cash: A perfect gentleman. No sermonizing or anything. His sperm was jet black, though.
-Loggins & Messina: I don't they ever actually touched me. Just spent the whole time staring into each other's eyes. Perked up when I mentioned piggy-back rides.
-Simon & Garfunkel: They were really into punching each other. There was a lot of blood. The tall one had a great ass, though.
-Michael McDonald: Wouldn't take off his turtleneck.
-Jack Johnson: I fell asleep at some point and woke up with sand inside me.
-Ice Cube: Really wanted to do it in front of a bunch of kids but sometimes you have to draw a line.
-Ice T: His skin felt like Braille. Did bring back some fond memories with the old folded hanger "pimp stick".
-Katy Perry: Took a lot of work. She didn't understand what pants were and spent most of the time talking to a shoe.

-Peter Gabriel: Referred to his penis as "The Sledgehammer" about two dozen times. More than just "the light, the heat" ended up in my eyes that night. Pretty sure he called me Phil.
-Janis Joplin: Thought I was Leonard Cohen. She was looking for #2 and was totally loaded so it took a minute to explain that I was in 2A. An honest mistake.
-Vince Neil: The last time I'll ever give road head.
-Hanoi Rocks: See above.
-Steely Dan: Weirdly aloof. Insisted that we do dozens of "takes" to get it perfect. Got really mad when I called one by the other's name.
-Tyler, the Creator: Really into ass-play. I'm surprised that guy could walk the next morning.
-Neil Diamond: Saggy man-boobs. Used a condom that was somehow brocaded.
-Zooey Deschanel: Short-circuited halfway through. Gibbard assured me it happens all the time. Somehow performed at the Grammys in the process.

Thanks, Debbie! We hope to hear more tales of backstage tete-a-tetes soon.

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