Saturday, April 26, 2008

So Let It be Written, So Let It be Rocked

O! So I had wanted to make posts on this post on a more regggalar basis but in addition to the usual crank distractions like work and school, two things in particular have seriously roadblocked the blogging. One, my Sopranos addiction has resurfaced in a big way. I had stopped watching the program a couple of summers ao after Tony's behavior became increasingly dickish and he whipped the pickle dude from that crappy pickle movie that I hated. Hebrew school a message to you: suck it forever! Well, like a relapsing pie fiend I have been consuming slices of the show at a seriously unreasonable, harmless rate, staying up until anywhere between three and six in the morning oy to watch episodes. Marrone, right! Meadow still makes my skin crawl like bad soup made by Lodge Kerrigan, but face can't get enough; even while watching that Forgetting Sarah Marshall picture t'other night, which was a kinda cool movie and business, the brain frequently turned to thoughts of watching the Sopranos on the couch. Bone us.

The other major impediment to bloggage is Passover. That's right. Pesach. Religion is typically regarded as the thing most diametrically opposed to metal and metalosity since Man discovered that melon ballers could be used for purposes other than carving out the eyeballs of thine enemies, but that hatred is usually reserved for Xianity and stuff. No one carves upside-down Mogen Davids on their forehead or starts Viking black metal bands to protest the subjugation of Scandanavia's Pagan forbears by Izzys and Sauls and, uh, Naphtalis. It just doesn't go down like that. Even when NSBM shit starts up, they're just hating on the Jews for spoiling the purity of ugly cavedudes from the North Pole or whatevs. Apparently some cats still hold a grudge for how we capped Santa Clause at his boss's wedding in 1974.

And that's cool. True metal bros know that Judaism is wicked metal what with the fasting and the leather straps and the beards. What the Presbyterians have? Ambrosia and shitty haircuts. Don't even get me started on the Lutherans. Mainly because I forget what they do. Of all Jewish holidays, Passover is easily the most metal, however. Not only is it the basis for fuckin' "Creeping Death" and parts of Powerslave, two pillars of classic heaviness, but come on: on this box of matzah my sister brought over for the seder the legend reads, "THIS IS THE BREAD OF AFFLICTION". Read it again, maybe even out loud. THE BREAD OF AFFLICTION. Weren't they on Metal Blade at some point?

Not only do we rock the memory of having been slaves, bringing unbelievably metal plagues (obviously the death of the first born and the descending locusts, but frogs too! Fuck yeah frogs!!) until using the power of the ocean to slay the chasing pharoah and his crew and then talking to a fiery shrub and throwing giant stones and making earthquakes... sorry, but is this a fucking Manowar song or something? You can't mess with how hard Passover rocks, even if it does involve gefilte fish and being hungry for eight days because you only ever eat bread. Next year in Jerusalem, bitches. On a scale of one to ten, Passover rates a metal score of THE TIME HAS COME! And folks can't even count that business.

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